Welcome to the Career Sabotage De-Success Center! I’ll be your guide to show you how you can land that first, great job out of college and then blow it completely.
Dress for De-Success: Sure, many companies have dress codes or standard dress expectations, but with all of the hard work you’re going to be putting in there’s no need for you to pay attention to their uptight standards! Come in wearing whatever you want: an Ed Hardy t-shirt, ripped up jeans, and flip-flops. Oh, and don’t pay any attention to personal hygiene since how foul you smell directly correlates with how hard you’re working!
Initiative is for Imbeciles: What is all of this about showing “initiative” in your new job? What are they looking for you to ‘initiate’? Listen, if you weren’t great you wouldn’t have been hired in the first place, so don’t worry about doing things before you are asked or anticipating issues; let the suckers take those on.
Know Your Role: You’re hired to do a job, right? Why would you stray outside of the lovely confines of your position description? Stay in the train tracks that are your position and don’t stray from them. It will keep you from getting in trouble with the boss by overstepping your boundaries.
Stay Connected!: Sure, you have job duties to perform, but the world is such a big, wonderful place! Don’t forget to stay connected to friends and strangers alike by spending a lot of time on Facebook, Twitter, and all of your other favorite social media outlets!
Follow this advice and you’ll be flipping burgers in no time!
Or…if you don’t want to lose your job…